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Fallensmoke
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Ravenfeatherfall
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Vapormuchi
• 11/3/2016

Sorry Guys

I've ((obviously)) been struggling the past few weeks. My depression came back and flattened me like a truck, and as soon as that happened I got super sick. I've been pretty out of it for around a week and a half, meaning i haven't done half the school work i need to. This means I am failing three of my classes.... joy.  It's just stressing me out because I can't help having the issues I do??? Anyways, here's a rant I wrote in ten minutes to my irl friends about crap:

' Fuck I just need to vent so here I go. Being a dramatic attention-seeking shit because I realized that's what I am. That's literally the only reason I talk. To get people to sympathise or talk or actually look at me. I'm not the first choice so I make myself one. I have an alter that tells me I'm worthless and that I can't do anything right, while at the same time breaking the fourth wall and giving me visions that I can't tell if I'm going insane or if they're real. Not being able to do any work at home. At all. Ever. Sitting there at the desk and staring at it until I give up and go back to the internet. Some fucked up part of my brain sees it as so much less important than relaxing and chilling out and numbing myself to the world. I can't even feed myself unless there are people around or I'm reminded to. I am a freeloader who only does the work in a project if I work alone or with people who really don't understand anything. I lie, to everyone. I put on the brave, outgoing, cheerful and crazy face of everyday life when I don't know what it feels like to be happy. I only know sadness and anger and betrayal and loss and most recently, love. No empathy, no sympathy. Not even for my sister. I laugh when she gets really hurt and has to actually go to the doctor. Another trait of being fucked up, eh? I don't even know what I want to do with my life tomorrow, if I will get out of bed, or shower, or eat. Oh, and I really don't want to eat. It seems really unappetizing at the moment, and I might actually be able to control something in my life! Isn't that great! Not knowing whether someone actually likes you or if they pity you and only keep you around because you're weird and funny. When you don't know if your death would effect anything other than family. When you can't even think about things without Gavin butting in and saying how stupid and annoying you are being, even if it's a true fact that you are saying. Not being able to stop yourself from butting into conversations.


fuck. idk


Here I am, waiting for someone to reply even though I explicitly said not to. I really sound like those kids people stereotype as 'attention-seeking kids with a fake mental illness,' even though I was diagnosed and hospitalized. It goes right over my head. I am a leech. Living off of everyone else and being broken when I'm cast off. I used to be strong. Everyone wanted to be my friend instead of me trying to get someone to aknowledge me. Crazy, right? Considering how much of a piece of shit I am. Crazy world. I was the one everyone looked up to in middle and elementary school, and now I'm the omega of the pack. The runt of the litter. The ugly duckling ((who will not grow to become beautiful)). I don't know why I'm even thinking these things. They're just coming out of my head and they need to leave me alone. Perhaps that's why I'm venting.


I don't see how I have any 'friends' at this point. I look horrid, I way too loud and annoying, and I just cling to people as if my life depended on it- scratch that, I could throw my life away easily. I cling to people as if it was the only thing that would keep them from fading away like dying stars or fireflies in the dawn sun. Oh, look at me being poetic and shit. A useless thing I've picked up from school that doesn't help me get my work done or destress or think critically. Yeezus, I sound like a sad sack of shit.


Funny how I wrote all of that instead of trying to sleep like my body is telling me to do. Being sick fucking sucks. I am on at least five different medications at this point and even benadryl isn't making me drowsy. It isn't that my mind is active, it just won't sleep. That's a sudden shift from the past few days nnwere i went to bed early and got up late. Why even did I have to exist? I don't even know if I've helped a person get over something. Like really, truly get over it. Fuck.


I should stop

But here goes my mind again

telling me not to

saying the only way is to lock up my phone

this is bs

im done for now

bye '


So... As of right now, my plan is to go home, blast pierce the veil, sleeping with sirens, and bring me the horizon. Then if i don't feel better, changing the passwords on all my shit and attempting because fuck man.

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Fallensmoke
Bouvreuil
Ravenfeatherfall
Hunteressofthewolves
XxRainbowCupcakexX
Vapormuchi
1
• 11/3/2016

..I dunno if my bad advice helps any, but here goes:

So, yeah. Things look pretty bad, right? You're upset, people aren't helping much..It's okay, though. Bad things always happen to everyone. It's life's way of challenging you. Think of all these things that've happened to people in the past. Remember FDR? He went through a bunch of bad things. First, he had to be elected during the time of the Great Depression. Then, he had to deal with signs of war. Throughout his life, he was criticized and challenged. People disrespected him, called him things that no human should ever call anything. Still, he kept at it until his death. He never once gave up. Neither should you. There are things that may upset you, but you just have to brush them aside and think of the positives. I'm sure you've got people who care about you. If nobody IRL does, the people here consider you a great friend of theirs. Even if there's nobody anywhere that likes you(Which is probably untrue) you're still a good person. You've got great talents, great ideas. Everything that I see you do here..it's perfect. You have awesome writing skills, and I bet you're good at drawing. You're a fun person to be around, and you always help people when they're feeling a bit down. This is all I can say for now, because I have a splitting headache, but there's so much more that other people can tell you. You're perfect, Fallen. No matter what happens, just remember that. You're perfect, just the way you are...

Those thoughts you have..push them out of your head for now. You've got a lot to live for..


~Raven

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• 11/3/2016
Ravenfeatherfall wrote:
..I dunno if my bad advice helps any, but here goes:

So, yeah. Things look pretty bad, right? You're upset, people aren't helping much..It's okay, though. Bad things always happen to everyone. It's life's way of challenging you. Think of all these things that've happened to people in the past. Remember FDR? He went through a bunch of bad things. First, he had to be elected during the time of the Great Depression. Then, he had to deal with signs of war. Throughout his life, he was criticized and challenged. People disrespected him, called him things that no human should ever call anything. Still, he kept at it until his death. He never once gave up. Neither should you. There are things that may upset you, but you just have to brush them aside and think of the positives. I'm sure you've got people who care about you. If nobody IRL does, the people here consider you a great friend of theirs. Even if there's nobody anywhere that likes you(Which is probably untrue) you're still a good person. You've got great talents, great ideas. Everything that I see you do here..it's perfect. You have awesome writing skills, and I bet you're good at drawing. You're a fun person to be around, and you always help people when they're feeling a bit down. This is all I can say for now, because I have a splitting headache, but there's so much more that other people can tell you. You're perfect, Fallen. No matter what happens, just remember that. You're perfect, just the way you are...

Those thoughts you have..push them out of your head for now. You've got a lot to live for..


~Raven


/////

Exactly as Raven said, look, the future is like a bunch of matryoshka dolls, you never know what's inside, and sometimes, it's positive, sometimes it's negative.

Never let depression win over you, KICK IT IN THE FACE.

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• 11/4/2016

Omigod you guys /)o.o(\

I'm not all that great. I really don't see how I'm 'perfect' here.. It's hard to see the good things in your writing when you're the author.

Anyways, I've calmed down a good bit. I'm not in crisis mode anymore, partially because my datemate is taking me on a movie date tomorrow... One thing to keep going for, right?

Can't say how long it'll last. I have two teachers who are going to be hassling me about my grades tomorrow... Not going to go down well. I don't want to talk to my parents about it either; I've been telling them I'm doing good and then to suddenly say 'oh im kinda feeling suicidal because ____' would completely derail their trust in me. I've lost it too many times already.

Bad grades = tears and frustration. If you knew me irl, you'd know I can pretty much answer any question they throw at me.. But I can't get my work done. It's gotten to the point that I'm going to ask my psychiatrist if she can test me for some sort of attention defecit disorder..

Gah. I shouldn't be ranting here; I have other places I can do that. I originally just put this thread up to make sure you guys would know what happened if I completely disappeared... I've made a post like this before, although I wasn't in as bad a state then as I was writing this one.

Anywho- oh fuck I started writing a shit ton of stuff again. I have too much to say, but no thoughts in my mind if that makes sense. It just comes out. Thoughts form as I type or speak or write.. I only think when I'm not worried, or the opposite. When I'm really worried I get stuck in my own head and just argue with my alter.

//slaps self

Focus goddamnit

Just a not-so-quick-update.

0
• 11/4/2016
  • clasps hands together*

well damn. I, honestly, wish you wouldn't put up a mask or hide your pain or suicidal tendencies, I wish you'd open up a little more about frustrations and shit like that. We're all here for you with open arms, and about that homework. Have your laptop/computer/phone open, contact one of us or all of us to get on chat and we'll help you focus and encourage, even help you, along the way, the semesters not over yet so turn in late work and catch up, we have faith in you. I myself am only failing one class but I'm close to failing two others so I think I'm being a hypocritical shit but advice is good, yes? And rant your spilled, jumbled thoughts to your hearts content, we're your decoders, we can pick them apart and assemble them back together and help if you wish.

As for why/how you have friends, well to simply put it. You attract all sorts of people even if you don't know it at first, whether it be because differences or similarities (like us being broken fluffs), or simply circumstances placed you with a group of people who loved to be with you, loved to talk to you, just wanted to help you know that you exist and that you are needed even if you don't think you are, or you think you don't deserve them. No matter how much you think you don't deserve these 'friends' they're stuck to you. Stuck tighter than fucking super glue man. They're stuck even if you don't want them, even if you reject them, they'll be there.

I hope you get better, physically and maybe a little bit mentally.


also on an unrelated note have you seen the fifth episode of YurionIce

-Lottsa loves and cuddles, Rain

0
• 11/4/2016

I just...wrote a GIAGANTIC huge little story and it just deleted itself, I just like eternally crying. I'll repost it when I'm not so lazy to rewrite the whole thing. I wanna throw this computer for deleting it thou

0
• 11/5/2016
Hunteressofthewolves wrote:
I just...wrote a GIAGANTIC huge little story and it just deleted itself, I just like eternally crying. I'll repost it when I'm not so lazy to rewrite the whole thing. I wanna throw this computer for deleting it thou

The same thing happened to me the first time I tried to write that huge speech thing! I managed to remember it but it took at least half an hour XD

Anyways, exactly as Rain said(I only read small parts, I'm in a bit of a rush), no matter how bad you think you are, others think you're better. I ask my friends all the time why they stick with me, and they act as if I asked the stupidest question in the world. You may think that you're a bad thing, but you're not.

Also, glad you're feeling a bit better than you were earlier.

~Comforting pats,

Raven

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• 11/7/2016

Alrighty. Here I go.

This is Finch, Danny's sister. The one who made your whole world go 'round.

Danny MISSES you, to bits and peices. And he/she said that they want you back, and that he/she hates to see you hurting so fucking much.

Danny is now Michelle, She is now trans. You can message her @skulltulio55@gmail.com

Shes even willing to drop everything from the past and re-join Animaljam.

0
• 11/7/2016

@Bouvreuil

Check chat, I can speak with you there.

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